I’ve been struggling a lot lately with some things if I’m honest. I haven’t written for a bit, I’ve been a little preoccupied with getting Edward’s practice sorted out and trying to get a handle on things with Ness and Jake. I can’t say I was shocked when they got back together, she missed him so much when they were apart even though she didn’t want to admit it and I know Jake is just kind of a mess without her, so no one was at all shocked they got back together. But I don’t think I realized how hard it was going to be on me let alone Ness and Jake.
When she left Forks it was to get away from Jake after their break up and I was all too happy to have her home with me again. I HATED having her away from me. It was just more than I could handle at the time and with things being so crazy in Chicago with Edward being in such an odd place at the time I missed her so much. She always knows how to put a smile on my face, and at the time I was in desperate need of smiles. I know how selfish of me, but what can I say I’m a mom and I missed my little girl. Now I was less than pleased about the circumstances and seeing my little girl so upset made me want to make a rug out of Jake, but even I knew it was temporary and now they’re back together and once again I’m struggling again- this time with my own selfishness.
Point blank- I’m not ready for Ness to leave me. She’s only 6 and well I just need more time with her. But I feel like a complete hypocrite because I know if I were in Ness’s position I wouldn’t have cared…I would’ve gone to be with Edward. In fact…i kind of sort of did I just happened to marry him so it made it okay. How can I stand in Ness’s way- when I know myself in her minds age would’ve gone to be with Edward no matter what? Am I horrible for making her stay home with me? I mean I know she’d rather be with Jake it’s all too obvious that’s where she’s happiest. And though I know when he’s visiting us I never see her its only because their time together is limited and I can understand that. I just wish maybe when she was waiting to visit again for him to visit again she would spend time with us.
Instead she stays hidden away, doing her homework. I get her grade reports from school- her grades are amazing. And I can’t be upset with her for focusing on school and staying busy to pass the time…but maybe someday she’ll decide that passing the time with me might be fun too. I just miss my little girl a lot at the core of this and while I’m trying to let her have her space…I just wish maybe…she could find a little space for me in her day.
Things have been absolutely insane to say the least. After Ness’s accident, she left us for a bit to go to Volterra. I have never been more scared I was gonna lose my baby in my life. I still can’t believe she thought she’d be better off in Volterra, and even so she became so attached to Sulpicia while she was there…I just shudder at the thought. I know Edward and Jacob will tell me I could never be replaced as her mother, but I feel like there is a chance. I know I’m not the best mom ever and maybe its just my own insecurity playing up…maybe someone else could be? I dunno…but thankfully we got her back and now it seems like we have a whole new set of issues on our hands. Luckily they are more manageable I hope.
With Jake being here, I don’t think anyone is surprised he and Ness mended things and got back together officially. But now that we’re here in Hanover and he’s still in Forks he and ness are going to have a whole new set of challenges. With the imprinting I know its so much harder for Jake to be away from Ness, but we can’t really let Ness just go off and stay with him there. And I think as much she wants to be with him there she wants to be here with us and finish her schooling. Its been really nice to see them back together I can’t lie, but seeing the sadness in jake’s eyes whenever we mention him having to go back home is kind of heartbreaking. And even though Ness doesn’t show it as much right now…I know she will be heartbroken to be away from him. She’s not used to having the people she loves far from her. I’m terribly worried for them both. I do wish there was some way to make it easier on them.
I think Edward might be glad of the separation, but then again Edward isn’t exactly…team jacob lol. He’s handled himself pretty well all things considered. But even I think he doesn’t realize how hard its going to be. After all we weren’t ever really separated for that long…not counting the time he decided to leave me-but we won’t talk about such things. Though I was pleased to hear if Jake did stay he could stay with us…even if it is in Ness’s treehouse, it’s a start. I’m just glad he’s not standing in their way…
But now that he’s back in the picture with everything that happened with Dylan I’m terrified Ness is gonna pull…well a me and end up in a position she REALLY doesn’t need to be in. I never pretend like I was any kind of a saint with Edward…though I don’t really talk about such things with Ness. I don’t think she or Jake is ready for that step in their relationship and I don’t think they will be for like…decades. Okay that’s not true but OMG i’m not ready for my baby girl to be taking those steps. I might have epically overreacted chucking a frying pan at Jake yesterday…okay I totally epically overreacted. But umm well yeah…lets just say I’m a little worried about that.
Well I have ranted and babbled enough for the day. I have muffins to bake. Catch you later xo Bella
When Jasper came to tell me that Ness had killed someone, I was stunned. I actually didn’t believe him. I thought it was some crazy joke and personally I didn’t find it funny, but it didn’t take long for me realize he wasn’t lying and all I wanted to do was see my little girl. We’ve been through our ups and downs as a family, and this year seems to have been a banner year for difficulty, but through it all sad as she was Ness was always able to pull out of the worst of it in a few days and begin to heal. But not this time. She is still so broken over this and I have no idea what I can do.
I’ve tried to be there for her and talk to her, but she sends me away. I’ve tried consoling her with food, she won’t eat. Edward’s tried talking to her, she sends him away. Emmett and Rosalie tried talking to her, she sent them away. Carlisle seems to be the only one with any kind of success, he got her to nap for a little bit, but even that was short lived. Even Jasper’s mood manipulation isn’t doing much to help her. I thought that calling jacob was the right choice but even that made things worse.
I never expected her to be so upset about it, I still don’t regret my choice. I know even though he hurt her earlier in the year jake lives and dies by Ness and he deserved to know about this. I know he can help her, I believe in it so much. I have to believe it, because if Edward and I can’t make her better then I need him to. I need him to help my little girl because watching her like this…its more than my heart can take. I love her too much to watch her suffer. I just want to fix it, I want to make her better. I just want her to be better…